In a press conference yesterday, Donald Trump expressed his ardent, hot-blooded lust for Greenland, saying “I must have Greenland! I absolutely have to have it RIGHT NOW! Give me Greenland! Somebody bring her to me so I can ravish her!”
Told that Greenland had turned an ice-cold shoulder to the US president’s overtures, Trump railed: “She’s not frigid, she’s hot! She’s sizzling, I tell you! She loves me! She wants me! Give me Greenland so I can rub my pudgy little fingers all over her steamy, tropical little tundra mounds!”
Trump promised that after raping Greenland he would “protect and cherish the island forever.” He added that he would be happy to pay Greenland a very large sum of money in return for a non-disclosure agreement requiring the island to forever remain silent about what Trump had done to her.
North Atlantic shipping has reportedly been disrupted by colossal icebergs of frozen vomit calving off from the island in reaction to Trump’s overtures.
